Inside My Head



People tend to not believe movies, not just the story lines but all of it. The events that transpire and emotions the actors portray just are written off as ” Oh that’s a movie, that won’t happen in real life.” As If It’s impossible or unattainable. I’m not one of those people. I’m a firm believer that all those punch drunk emotions you see and feel on the big screen are what life should be.. and what could be.

Growing up I saw what love shouldn’t be and that’s probably why I attached myself to the crazy and seemingly unattainable emotions found in movies. Love is not falling asleep to screaming in a broken home. It’s not seeing your dad choose another family over your own and lying to your face about it. There’s no way that should happen twice but, It did. It’s certainly not watching your brother slammed to the kitchen floor. There was so much I shouldn’t of seen that has impacted how I am today, maybe somehow a fucked up blessing in disguise. Never seeing true love between two parents was just weird. Not even divorced or anything, Just living separately in two different houses literally 50 feet from one another. Yeah pretty weird situation. When I was younger I never really grasped the sad reality of the situation, not until I was about 16 is when I was able to piece together my own adult thoughts. I now know what love is not. Thanks. I always swore I was going to better than what I witnessed all those years but, seriously fuck you. Kids are impressionable. I love all those stupid romantic Nicholas Sparks movies because they almost always have the happy ending I never got to see or feel. Those corny lines that sometimes make you laugh from the simple fact that the mast majority of the world, would never think to say them, making them seem ridiculous. Well, sometimes you need more than a hug. You need a huge punch to shock your heart to make sure It’s still giving you that rush It’s supposed to. I don’t want to live a life where 25 years from now I’ll be sitting across from nobody at my dinner table. I don’t want my kids to grow up not knowing what love is about. I want them to know and feel it in their house. You know, making It an actual home. I want sparks. I want that undying fire inside to never go out. I want to love someone because your lose a breath when you look at them, not because It’s a ” logical” decision. If you make decisions out of comfort, you’ll be left with a broken and sad home to grow up in. Obviously not today, but that comfortable and easy decision will catch up to you. It’ll run It’s course and realize there’s no amount of counseling or ” talking it out” that can fix what you decided to do. You made this mess and maybe didn’t even realize it. It’s love, not logic. It’s not supposed to make sense. You’re supposed to be out of your mind with your emotions matching those you see in movies. If there’s even a moment of doubt, feel it. Take it in and realize there’s a reason your gut is giving you doubt. Think about that before you say “I do” because It’s an entire lifetime you’re betting on. Be honest with yourself. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t promise forever after a couple months, that’s bullshit. That’s a recipe that created the 60% divorce rate. It’s rare to find that special somebody because It’s not easy. Now, even after thinking the way I do and experiencing what I did. I still fuck up. Trying to get it all right, It’s so hard. I’ve been cheated on and have done the same to one person on one drunken night. I’ve been left crying on long drives home. I’ve broken some great things even when I feel what I’m supposed to feel. I’m saying all of this because I’ve been there. I’m writing this to help someone else stop and think, even though It’s really hard to think at times. I’ve promised forever only to find out It all ends anyway because It was premature. I was living with a girl for a little while, grew up best friends and high school sweetheart ( the whole nine yards) and If you’re somehow reading this I had a ring. I didn’t tell you but I had a ring. I only had it two weeks until everything fell apart. I moved to a different town and you had your male attention. Fast forward and I thought I found the solution to all my problems. She had a face straight out of a magazine. Sat on my fire escape/ roof talking about everything, with our feet swinging as freely as our love. She moved across the country to the coast. I messed up. She messed up. I waited for a year. She came home and kissed me but I could still taste him on your lips. Yeah she was with someone else. Her heart said me but her brain said him. Easier was better. That’s where I learned that from. I hope your dreams come true but fuck you. The point of this is, just keep going. True love is out there and after shitty timing, poor decisions and youthful mistakes, It’s there I promise. Don’t settle. Your heart has a voice for a reason. I never got to witness true love except for movies and I’m not giving up on that. There’s no reason those feelings are just make believe. Now, don’t get me wrong I Know It’s not all walks in the rain and happy moments covered in butterflies. I just know love shouldn’t be ordinary and sadly most are. Love sometimes is disguised as a mess that you shouldn’t clean up. Like, drunk texts at 3 in the morning, saying you’re broken and sorry. The bad habits I’ll never break, I have no choice but to keep trying my best. So pick up your pieces again. Love is a mess. Please try again. Love is able to patch any hole you may have in yourself. It’s your entire life. Make it special. Never settle for second best or logical sense.


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