I’m never sure what you and life are up to

The not knowing

We used to drink to that

Celebrate never knowing anything

Together. Every night and the one before last

I can’t handle my alcohol right now

Since we don’t laugh like we used to

I hardly know you

I haven’t seen you in a long ass time

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I miss being on the right side

Of good times

I hate that 27

Doesn’t sound old anymore

I remember those conversations

In my 5th period English class senior year

About how anyplace

Is better than this one

How we would talk and promise

To be the friends that ACTUALLY “Keep in touch”

Which is a fancy way of saying

I’ll like your posts on social media every couple months

And getting really good at wishing you happy birthday

In the belated kind of way

I know they were just football games and classroom antics
Typical high school semantics and such

Heartbreak filled of fake love

That we had every reason to believe it was real

But, damn what happened to those days

I hate that I’m here and you’re not

None of this ended up like we thought

I remember the best friends on speed dial

How eating Mcdonald’s at 1am in some parking lot

Talkin about nothing was something to do

Now we grow up and need excuses to leave our room

Always got yelled at for making home my revolving door

Constantly In and out! My mom would always shout

I just miss it.

All of those authentic hearts

Beating in the same place

Those were the best moments

I just wish I had realized that when we still felt infinite

We didn’t waste our time growing up

We didn’t do insignificant things

We tried our best in so many different ways

Not like today, where everyone thinks the same

Seriously, All those “crazy” kids that were labeled

“Going Nowhere” had more charisma than any adult

I’ve met in the last 5 years

In world filled of auto tuned droids

Telling you what your resume should look like

What they don’t tell you about is the void that follows

The enormous void of happiness in your chest

I don’t care how nice the paycheck is

Have fun with that

I know being broke is scary

I know being alone is fucking terrifying

I know going off the beaten path is never recommended

And certainly not for the faint of heart

It’s just more important than ever to feel fear

I’m tired of listening to the same sentences

The same advice. The same everything.

I want to feel every emotion under the stars

Especially the ones that hurt the most

You have to know what pains you in the worst way

To know it on a personal level

Like, all downhill from here

Becomes a place you can picture in your head

That way you can know when life is giving you something worth feeling

I want my early and mid 20’s to not be lost

But, to be everything I haven’t been yet

A time of my life where I can look back at and say

I lived it fruitfully and know I realized the good times when they still actually existed.



She asked me what was wrong

I replied and said “nothing”

It was a soft response with zero confidence

Luckily, she didn’t notice

The last thing i wanted to talk about

Was the sadness camping out in my head

For the sole reason of not wanting to cry

Over a plate of bacon cheese fries

We were sharing at the time

A time when, we weren’t out of place

When we laughed like we used to

Before this fucked up expiration date

Around the same time when

Your smile and my dreams were living in the same place

Playing neighbors with

Those ocean eyes and styled blonde hair

Relaxing at home on your taller than average frame

The constantly debated

Maybe taller than me frame

You’d always get excited and laugh

when you’d put on your shoes

To see that you were

For a couple seconds, actually taller than me

Speaking of smiles, You’d make a kickass dental hygienist

So please go finish school. Keep on that plan of yours.

You deserve that.

Something actually stable.

A love that is worthwhile and able

Tomorrow is going to suck.

I drive her to the airport

A Sunday morning

Meaning the freeways are empty of cars

Usually, that’s all you ever ask for

You know? Because fuck traffic.

But, god damn it

For the first time ever,

I wish I was stuck in 5pm rush hour traffic

Because now I’m cruising effortlessly

Straight to the inevitable

I’m reading the exit sign for the airport

I’ve seen this thing a dozen times

I know exactly what it says

What the exact exit number is


You’d sometimes sit and laugh at me

Because I’d always confuse the arrivals and departures exit lanes

This time all the sign was blurred

I didn’t hear your laugh.

I didn’t know what to feel

Like my mind censored the damage to PG 13

So my heart didn’t have to watch all the bad parts

It was the first moment I was truly second guessing my decisions and asking myself why

Why are things the way that they are?

Why do we hurt so much when we’re trying our hearts out?

I know I just have keep smiling

And enjoy our plate of cheesy goodness

Because come morning

You’ll be gone and I won’t have the opportunity to sit and admire your eyes anymore.


Purple all over.

Maybe the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Who knows. But, maybe it’s purple. My favorite color. People leave jobs. People leave crazy atmospheres for steady air to breathe. People leave other people. Even ones they told they were never going anywhere. Mostly because, wherever they’re going or whoever they’re seeing and whatever it is they’re doing, are void of the flaws normally dealt with on a day to day basis.

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Chivalry isn’t dead. We just don’t love like we used to. More and more people everyday are deciding to settle for comfortability and not what their heart is actually telling them. Either because, It’s too hard or sounds, feels and is quite crazy. But isn’t that the point? To have your heart and feelings in a state where It’s never been before? There’s too many people loving out of fear and routine, not admitting mistakes and growing pains. We aren’t opening doors and making a random day special anymore, all the hallmark holidays do that for us now.

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Accidentally, forever.

We were never supposed to meet

Or fall into place so easily, like we did

I was

A clouded mess of a question

You were

The accidental grounded stability

I stumbled upon forever ago

That’s allowed me to figure out all the rest

The timing is what never made sense

You’re the reason the best things never do

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Vanilla Days

I miss my average Tuesday night

Everyone thinks the weekend

Is when most memories are made when you’re young

But, those were predictable

I knew after serving tables from 4-9 on Friday

I’d take all those tips and invest them

For future nostalgia and deja vu for next week

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The 4th Time.

They always tell you that the first one is the hardest one.That’s the one that’ll hurt the most. It will leave the largest scar that you have to struggle to fix for an unseen amount of time. I’ve lived and loved and felt enough over the years to completely disagree with that theory. Falling in love with someone or whatever it is that has captured your heart, for the first time is a refreshing breath of air you’ve never felt before. With love, you learn that losing your breath is scary but in the most amazing way. It teaches you that when your heart skips a beat or two, to not panic and to just smile and let your heart slow dance for a moment. After the dance. After the fresh air. Comes that immediate drop to hell and uncertainty that is impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t felt it.

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Don’t forget the strangers

There’s a handful of memories that are placed in your life that are filled with friends that you haven’t seen or even cared to ask about in years. I think It’s pretty crazy how that all ends up. You hear talk all the time about how best friends you have today aren’t even acquaintances tomorrow. I honestly think It’s impossible to wrap your head around until it just happens. It’s kinda similar to how day to day, your life doesn’t feel differently and then 5 years flies by and your whole world has changed.

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He grew up a little bit

Growing scruffy and unkempt facial hair

To give the allusion he can grow a real beard

To go along with his “ I don’t care”

Against the grain, vacant stare

Stitched all the holes in his jeans

From back when he was seventeen

Fitting the image he frames for everyone to see

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Maybe I just need tonight
Just hold you close
and fall asleep to the melody
Of you sleeping next to me in harmony
Remembering when we fell in love
Before all of this. Before all of the hurt.
All I️ think about is
The black & white stripes on your shirt
It was late July, I️ remember.  
You had the entire blue sky in your eyes
They had a twinkle. A glimmer. A sparkle.
No matter how I word It, radiant you were.

If you were a flower, you’d be lavender
If somebody asked me, I’d tell them
I️ see the world when I laugh with her
A once perfectly beautiful world in motion
Hasn’t moved in what feels like forever
I️ still haven’t forgotten happily ever after
That’s still our story
We just haven’t been able to read it lately
Always on a different page
At the completely wrong time
It’s scary, 

Because I don’t want the only thing

resembling us 10 years from now
To be this same lonely unread page
You’re more than that
We’re better than that
Honeymoon in Greece,
Let’s dream of that
Instead of these nightmares
We’ve been having
They steal the breath out of us
Leaving us speechless
No exchanging of words
A silent fight
Where we say nothing 

And let the awkwardness of the room do the talking
Since we never can
Where we play this game
Of lying as far away from each other
In the same bed
We’re both winning
All the time
Except by winning
I️ lost a lot of me
And you haven’t seen yourself
In what feels like forever
Despite it all
I always remember
You’re a beautiful lavender


I could’ve graduated college
I would’ve known better about all this debt I have now.

I should’ve probably not gotten arrested.  
My plans were going to work out
I wasn’t going to be broke at 22
I’ve been high 14 times this week
I thought I was going to be somebody different
I was destined to be great
No. Lately, All I do is break
I’m sorry I told you I loved you
And I didn’t mean it.

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Convenience Store.

A few years ago, every time I would walk into a convenient store and be rung out or be served at a restaurant I’d notice that the people working that job were much older and I’d ask myself “Why are these 40 year old men and women working a job that has zero fulfillment?’ Up until I was about 20, I was under that impression that your dreams are everything you needed and as long as you desired something more than anything else, It would just turn out okay. I was naive enough to believe that at 16 and it was a beautiful thing. Read More »

All the adults around me
Constantly existing in my life
They talk and have grand conversations
Using sophisticated words and phrases
Each sentence as predictable and judgmental
As the next
Just like their lives
Perfectly planned and executed
Like all the rest
Cookie-cutter conformity
I call It.
The talking suits and ties
Pledge to live by it

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Strategies for when your heart is broken. (ice cream weather)

Step 1. Cry, cry and cry some more

Step 2. There are no steps

Feel the seemingly impossible moment and pause the world around you. Room upside down. Your head pounding. Your life in the worst crash of its entirety. Or so it seems. And attempt to swallow that huge lump in your throat and let it drop down to your heart. Look around everywhere you go and enjoy being reminded of them at every sight you see.

Look in the mirror. Hate everything that’s looking back. Clench your fist and shatter your now depressing. Self loathing world. The shards fray off into your now thin skin. The sudden rushes of pain don’t phase you. You felt a different level of pain, the day they walked away.

Take a flame and place it onto those Polaroids hung so cliché on those string lights. Instantly regret it the second you can’t go back.

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People tend to not believe movies, not just the story lines but all of it. The events that transpire and emotions the actors portray just are written off as ” Oh that’s a movie, that won’t happen in real life.” As If It’s impossible or unattainable. I’m not one of those people. I’m a firm believer that all those punch drunk emotions you see and feel on the big screen are what life should be.. and what could be.

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